” “Blake Rice and Ricky Ryan once again combine to form the most absurdly homoerotic misogynistic fratbro nerdcore comedy duos of the century” -New York Times” -The Phan Attic
“Wait, shit, the Phillies are good” -The Brewers
“Wait, we just beat the only other decent NL team without Chase, Jimmy or Ryan. Wait, shit, we’re good.” -The Phillies
Ever wonder what certain Phillies players would be if they transformed themselves from studly ballplayers into beverages of the mixed variety?
If you answered “yes” to the previous question, today’s your lucky day. We spent hours with each of the following players in the lab doing research and testing, and the results are finally in.
Shane Victorino- Two parts Capri Sun, One part Everclear, One part FourLoko
Stirred lightly and served in a coconut with a straw
Ryan Howard- Two parts Colt .45, Three parts Hennessy, Two parts Coca-Cola Blak (that nasty coffee-flavored shit)
Best served in a tall glass with breakfast
Cole Hamels- One part Appletini (I understand that’s a drink made up of other drinks), One part Malibu, Five parts breast milk (Heidi’s)
Blended with ice on high for a minute, chilled in a freezer set at exactly 20.6 degrees Fahrenheit, and served in a personalized glass with “Hollywood Hamels” engraved in the side
Mike Stutes- One part Jeremiah Weed, Two parts Tiger Blood, One part Absinthe
Served down an ice luge, best followed by a shotgunned Yuengling
Even in their own city the LOLMets just can’t seem to get any love. I want to say it’s depressing…but no. Fuck the Mets. You guys are an embarassment to baseball.
On the Phan Attic I been slackin, blunt passin, music blastin
But I just can’t quit
Cause one of these honies Ryno gots ta creep with
Sleep with, keep the ep a secret why not
Why blow up my spot cause we both got hot
Have you wondered what the Phillie players would be like as different genres of music? Probably not because you’re normal. However, I have. This isn’t what music they’d like to listen, but rather what they would be like if they were all transformed into categorical lists on iTunes. Enjoy…
DUBSTEP: Shane Victorino
I’ve never partied with Shane, although I can imagine him being loud and all over the place. Also, if you listen to Shane for an extended period of time, your brain starts to hurt.
JAZZ: Raul Ibanez
It’s good every now and then, but there’s not much use for it outside of the nursing home.
COUNTRY: Roy Oswalt
Roy loves his Southern roots, unfortunately they’ve all been recently uprooted by a few tornadoes. Too soon? Okay.
EMO: Cole Hamels
We all love Cole, but I know deep down you think he’s kind of a bitch.
CHRISTIAN ROCK: Brad Lidge
Hallelujah! Maybe Jesus can use some of those healing powers and get Brad off the DL.
HEAVY METAL: Chase Utley
Chase definitely has a dark side. I wouldn’t want to face him in a bar fight, because he would probably laugh over your defeated body while dripping blood onto your face Fight Club style.
ROCK: Ross Gload
Gload is badass…’nuff said.
HOUSE: Ryan Howard
Ryan likes to pump the crowd up (remember that Eagles game?). Ryan also likes to pump his fists. He would go perfect in a Miami nightclub. I mean come on, just look at that shirt.
DUB: Cliff Lee
Is it just me, or does Cliff look super stoned all the time.
RAP: Jimmy Rollins
If Jimmy wasn’t playing baseball, he’d probably be in some rapper’s entourage as the guy that dresses in all white fur and wears five gold rings (his World Series ring is a nice start).
TRANCE: Roy Halladay
That stare. That staaaaaaaaaaare
THAT LITTLE JINGLE THAT THE ICE CREAM TRUCKS PLAY: Carlos Ruiz
Chooch loves ice cream. This is a well known fact. Plus, I like to imagine that when Chooch walks down the street a bunch of smiling kids run after him waving money.
(Photo credit: Zoo With Roy)
Cole was fantastic tonight, going to distance and giving up 1 ER (solo HR to Morse). He’s been great recently and it baffles me when I’m reminded he’s our fourth starter.
However, this night was also about Jayson, who had a mixed reception but was cheered by the majority and received a standing ovation. Aside from that, he really didn’t do shit except walk and steal a base. Don’t get me wrong, Mr. MultimillionaireBeardyGuy will always have a special place in my heart, kind of like Donovan McNabb (except Werth is different ‘cause he kinda left us for more money). ANYWAY, he’s been pretty decent this year but hasn’t shown a great display of power but lord knows I’d rather have him in the outfield right now than Raaaaaaoops. Long story short, I miss Sir Jayson, but I sort of like seeing him come in here and not succeed. He’s got a fat wallet and is playing for a team that is on the rise. He can take a few boos.
In other news, I know it’s finals and every one’s busy, so check back at the Attic where we’re going to have some Phillie-related stress relievers for you soon. Peace, love, and adderall.